The New SOS Brigade! Madoka, Konata, Tomoko, Unite!
by Shadow Light Master
Summary: Now that she's in college, Haruhi has decided to expand the SOS Brigade! Can this goddess play nice with Madoka? Will Konata's love of Haruhi cause her to enable her bad behavior? Can Tomoko become popular by following Haruhi's every order? Can Kyon stop Haruhi from finding out their whole lives have been a reality show? All this and more!
1. Chapter Brown

**This story follows my previous stories, "Madoka Gets Stoned," "Kagami Gets Stoned," "Tomoko Gets Stoned," and "The Stoning of Haruhi Suzumiya." Therefore, in this continuity, Madoka x Homura, Konata x Kagami, and Haruhi x Kyon are all canon. In addition, they are all stoners. Lastly, in this continuity, _Rebellion_ is non-canon, but Devil Homura will be making an appearance in a brand new way! Enjoy.**

* * *

Muhammad Sulaiman Rashid

The New SOS Brigade! Madoka, Konata, Tomoko, Unite!

Kyon, Koizumi, Nagato, and Mikuru were sitting at the same park they always did, discussing their futures at Yokai University.

"Now that you're Miss Suzumiya's boyfriend, I'll be taking a less active role in the Brigade," said Koizumi. "My organization feels that now that she's dating you, Miss Suzumiya shouldn't be so moody. I can't imagine why though, since you're always so angry."

"Koizumi has definitely grown to resent me, hasn't he?" thought Kyon.

"I'm only kidding of course," said Koizumi. "I imagine it's the same for Miss Asahina and Miss Nagato, too."

Nagato nodded. "My superiors want me to monitor a different subject now. But in the case of an emergency, you can call me."

"There's also something else we need to discuss," said Koizumi. "Kyon, Miss Suzumiya has become very popular."

"What? Because of the SOS Brigade?" asked Kyon.

"Yes and no," said Koizumi. "Do you remember how I told you that there are many different groups vying for control of Miss Suzumiya's powers?"

"Yeah," said Kyon.

"Well, in addition to my group, Miss Asahina's, and Miss Nagato's, there is a fourth one that's been watching her, too," said Koizumi. "But their goals have been more passive. They've been recording Miss Suzumiya and turning our lives into a reality show."

"A reality show!?" said Kyon. "You mean to tell me some creeps have been watching our every move?"

"That's right," said Koizumi. "In fact, we're all very popular. Especially Miss Suzumiya and Miss Nagato."

"Really? Do I have fans?" asked Kyon.

"Oh no, nobody likes you," said Koizumi. "I'm only kidding, of course."

"I can't wait until I never have to see this guy again," thought Kyon. "But wait," he said. "If we're on TV, how come I've never seen it? What if Haruhi sees it? Isn't that dangerous?"

"The existence of the show is a closely guarded secret," said Koizumi. "They have people behind the scenes to make sure she doesn't find out. But yes, the show is very dangerous. Especially in an age where everything is so connected."

"We tried to shut them down," said Mikuru. "But they were just too powerful."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this before?" asked Kyon.

"Probably because it's classified information," said Mikuru.

"Also, you never asked," said Nagato.

"If we told you, would that have changed anything?" asked Koizumi.

"I guess not," said Kyon. "But I at least wouldn't have spent so much time looking at pictures I took of Miss Asahina," he thought. "So why are you telling me this now?" he asked.

"Because," said Koizumi. "Now that we're in college, we'll be in contact with thousands of students, from all across the country. Some of them will undoubtedly be fans of Miss Suzumiya's TV show. You can't let them tell her that she's the god of this universe."

"What a nightmare," said Kyon. "Is that all?"

"There's just one last thing we have to tell you," said Koizumi. "Kyon, it's very likely that Miss Suzumiya will continue the SOS Brigade. It's up to you to keep the new members in the loop."

"You mean I have to rope new people into this nonsense!?" asked Kyon.

"That's right," said Koizumi, smiling. "Good luck!"

"Bye, Kyon!" said Mikuru, hugging him.

Kyon cried on the inside. "Oh, this sweet smell," he thought. "Miss Asahina, save me from this life of commitment."

Nagato bowed her head, and they all left.

Kyon sighed.

"I'm supposed to be her boyfriend, but I feel more like her babysitter," thought Kyon. "I wish at least Nagato stayed behind. Her powers could have come in handy. What did she mean by 'monitoring other subjects,' anyway? Are there other gods out there too? No way. There's barely enough room in this world for just one Haruhi."

Kyon's phone rang.

"Kyon, where are you!?" said Haruhi. "We're supposed to be going on a date!"

"That's not for another couple of hours," said Kyon.

"Well, I want to see you now!" said Haruhi. "Come over. Bye!"

Kyon got on his bike and left.

"I hope she doesn't get too bent out of shape over the news," he thought.

* * *

Kyon knocked on the door and Haruhi let him in. She was wearing a t-shirt and shorts.

"Well!?" said Haruhi.

"Huh?" said Kyon.

"Aren't you gonna kiss me?" asked Haruhi. "I'm your girlfriend now. You're supposed to kiss your girlfriend when you meet her."

"R-Really?" thought Kyon. "Well… okay."

He leaned in, but Haruhi blocked his face with her hand.

"Ugh, you're breathing all funny," said Haruhi. "Here, let me fix it."

She pinched his nose and stuck her tongue in. Kyon struggled to breathe.

"Hmm, not bad," said Haruhi. "But we're gonna have to work on it."

Kyon rubbed his nose. "Breathing is natural," he said. "In fact, some people enjoy it. Anyway, didn't you want to go out? You're not even dressed."

"I changed my mind," said Haruhi.

"Of course," thought Kyon. "Typical Haruhi."

"I just wanted to spend time with you at home," said Haruhi. "That's not a crime, is it?"

"Huh?" thought Kyon. "Is she reading my mind again?"

Kyon and Haruhi sat down on the couch.

"Well Haruhi, I've got some news for you," said Kyon.

"Really? Good news, or bad news?" asked Haruhi.

"News. Just news," said Kyon. "It's about Koizumi and the gang… they're still going to be part of the SOS Brigade, but they won't be around as often."

"Huh? Why's that?" asked Haruhi.

"They… want to focus on school for a while," said Kyon.

"What? You can focus on school while being in clubs," said Haruhi. "I used to do it all the time."

"Yeah, well, not everyone is as talented as you are," said Kyon.

Haruhi sighed. Kyon put his hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, don't worry about it," said Kyon. "I'll help you find some new members. I promised, right?"

"Yeah, I know," said Haruhi.

Kyon held her. "In college, there's tons of more people. We'll put up posters. They'll come, you'll see."

Haruhi smiled. "Oh Kyon, you're so silly…" she said. "I'm not going to put up any posters. You are."

* * *

The next week, after school, Haruhi and Kyon waited in an empty classroom for new members to show up. Haruhi scrawled "The SOS Brigade" on the chalkboard. Kyon yawned. And then a blue-haired girl slammed the door open.

"Is this the SOS Brigade!?" asked Konata.

"That's right!" said Haruhi. "Why don't you just take a seat while we wait for everyone to get here?"

"Whatever you say, Master Haruhi," she said.

"Wow, Kyon, where did you find this girl? She's great!" said Haruhi.

"I didn't find her anywhere," said Kyon. "She just showed up, obviously."

"Don't be so modest," said Haruhi.

"But still, how does she know Haruhi's name?" thought Kyon. "Is she one of the fangirls Koizumi warned me about?"

A pink-haired girl entered the room.

"Hi, is this the SOS Brigade?" asked Madoka. "This club is about spirits, right?"

"Not just spirits!" said Haruhi. "Aliens, ESPers, time travelers, and all sorts of things!"

"Great!" said Madoka. "So… What are we doing?"

"I'll tell you in a bit. Just sit tight while we wait for everyone to get here, okay?" said Haruhi.

But they waited for ten minutes. No one else came.

"Is this it? Wow, Kyon, you totally blew it," said Haruhi.

"It's not my fault if people don't decide to show up!" said Kyon.

"Well anyway, let's introduce ourselves!" said Haruhi. "I'm Haruhi Suzumiya! I'm the founder and Brigade Leader. As you can tell, I love the supernatural. This is Kyon. He's my boyfriend. He's nothing special, but he does all the work, so I can't complain."

"I can introduce myself," thought Kyon.

"Kyon? What does that name mean?" asked Madoka.

"Oh, that's not his real name," said Haruhi. "Kyon is just a nickname. His real name is –

The door opened and a girl with frizzy black hair entered.

"You're late, newbie!" said Haruhi. "I'm going to have to give you a penalty."

"She's just as amazing as she is on TV," thought Tomoko.

"Don't just stand there," said Haruhi. "Go take a seat."

"S-Sure," said Tomoko.

"Mokocchi!" said Konata. "Over here!"

Tomoko smiled and took a seat.

"Anyway, I forgot what I was saying," said Haruhi. "But you, the bluenette. What's your name?"

"I'm Konata Izumi," she said. "I'm a gamer and otaku."

"I didn't ask for your life story," said Haruhi.

"Actually, I want to hear it," said Kyon.

Haruhi glared at him.

"You're going to drive them off if you pick on them," whispered Kyon.

"What's this? A lover's quarrel?" said Konata to Tomoko.

Tomoko giggled.

"Fine," said Haruhi. "So tell me, why did you join the SOS Brigade?"

"Because my favorite show is the Melancholy of Haruhi—

"Shut up!" said Kyon.

Everyone was stunned.

"Excuse me," said Kyon. "I have Tourette's."

"You better have a good explanation for this," whispered Haruhi.

"Don't worry!" said Konata, waving her hand. "I get it."

"You, with the pink hair. What's your name?" asked Haruhi.

"I'm Madoka Kaname," she said. "My interests include… drawing and chemistry, I guess. I joined this club because my girlf—I mean, my best friend said I should make new friends. I think spirits are interesting."

"Did you catch that?" whispered Konata to Tomoko.

"A secret shame," said Tomoko.

"And you, newbie?" asked Haruhi.

Tomoko froze. "M-Me?"

"Well duh," said Haruhi. "You're the only one left."

Tomoko stuttered. "M-My name is… T…"

"Huh? I can't hear you. Speak up!" said Haruhi.

"Her name is Tomoko Kuroki," said Konata. "She's an otaku like me. Right, Mokocchi?"

Tomoko nodded.

"Hmm… kind of a different crowd from last time," said Haruhi. "Well, now that that's all wrapped up, let's get on with our first mission! Actually, wait. I have to go to the bathroom."

Haruhi left. Kyon took his chance.

* * *

"Okay everybody, listen up," said Kyon. "Izumi, I'm sorry I told you to shut up. But I had a good reason. I know what I'm about to say will be hard to believe, but Haruhi is a god."

"I know," said Konata.

"Yeah," said Tomoko.

"A… god?" thought Madoka. "Like me?"

"They accepted it so easily?" thought Kyon. "You would figure people would be more skeptical of the things they see on TV."

"You need us all to keep Haruhi from learning the truth, right?" asked Konata.

"Yes, exactly," said Kyon. "Haruhi is moody, and her mood swings control the reality of this universe. If she were to find out she was a god… I don't even want to think about how she might change things."

"Umm, Kyon," said Madoka. "I haven't seen Miss Suzumiya's TV show, so I'm not sure what she's like. But if things get bad… she's not the only one who's a god. I don't know how much help I'll be, but I can try to protect everyone."

"What?" said Kyon. "You mean to tell me that you're a god too?"

Madoka smiled and nodded. "Well, that's what my friends call me. The truth is, I'm a magical girl."

"Like Sailor Moon!?" asked Konata.

"Or Utena?" thought Tomoko.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Kyon. "So you're a god. And let me guess. Izumi is a really a time traveler, and Kuroki is an ESPer, am I right?"

"I wish," thought Tomoko. "Maybe then I could figure out how to be popular."

"No, it's true!" said Madoka. "Watch!"

She wiggled her finger, and began glowing pink. In a flash of light, she was wearing a white flowing dress.

"So pretty!" said Konata.

"Now I want to be a magical girl too," thought Tomoko.

Madoka wiggled her finger again and returned to normal.

"I can't believe it," said Kyon. "Well, I guess this should make things easier since Nagato isn't around."

"Just where is Yuki, anyway?" asked Konata.

"She's off monitoring some other subject," said Kyon. "Or at least that's what she told me. I have no clue what she's doing."

"Another subject?" said Konata. "Could it be another god? Just how many gods are there, anyway? Do you know, Miss Kaname?"

"You can call me Madoka," she said. "And no, I have no idea. Up until now, I thought I was the only one."

Haruhi opened the door.

"Alright everybody, I brought the costumes!" said Haruhi, carrying a bag. "Let's dress up, okay? We're going to go get more members!"

"That sounds like fun," said Madoka. "What kind of outfits will we be wearing?"

"These!" Haruhi pulled out a red bunny girl outfit.

Madoka blushed. "I-I'm not sure if I can wear that…" she said.

"Well, I have only have two," said Haruhi. "One is for me, obviously. But… who should wear the second one? I know! How about you, Konata?"

"I'm already one step ahead of you," said Konata. She pulled out a blue bunny girl costume from her backpack.

"Wow, now that's dedication!" said Haruhi.

"More like obsession," thought Kyon.

"Well, it looks like you're going to have to wear the other one, Madoka," said Haruhi.

"W-What?" whimpered Madoka. "But I don't want to."

"Let Mokocchi do it, Master Haruhi!" said Konata.

"Huh? But her hair's all frizzy and she's got bags under her eyes," said Haruhi. "She's gonna scare people away, not reel them in."

"Haruhi…" said Kyon.

"What?" said Haruhi. "I just don't think it's a good idea, that's all."

"Konata… I don't want to do this," whispered Tomoko. "I'm scared."

"Don't be!" said Konata. "If you do what Haruhi tells you to, you'll be popular for sure!"

"Really?" asked Tomoko.

"Yeah!" said Konata. "Master Haruhi, I think Mokocchi would be a great fit! Her hair can be tamed, and her bags aren't anything a little makeup won't fix. She's got lolicon appeal, trust me!"

"Doesn't that apply to all of them?" thought Kyon. "What kind of people are we trying to recruit, anyway?"

"Well, alright," said Haruhi. "Okay Kyon, time for you to get out!"

Kyon sighed and walked out the door.

"Wait, I'll come too," said Madoka.

Haruhi began to take off Tomoko's clothes. "Hmm… you won't fill it out as much as Mikuru did, but you should be fine. We'll do your makeup afterward."

"I'm going to wear Mikuru's legendary bunny girl outfit," thought Tomoko. "And Haruhi is going to give me a makeover. This is the happiest day of my life."

* * *

**That's it for Chapter Brown! I've decided to do this story in chapters to gauge feedback and suggestions, and also because of school. Because this is a work in progress, feel free to throw any ideas you have my way. I have a general outline, but am open to making adjustments.**


	2. Chapter Black - Prelude

Ten minutes later, Haruhi slammed open the door, clad in bunny ears and leotard.

"Alright everybody! Come on in," she said. "I think I really outdid myself this time."

Kyon and Madoka walked back into the room. Tomoko's hair had set, and the bags under her eyes were gone. She held her arms and legs close together in embarrassment. Kyon and Madoka stared at her in awe. Tomoko turned her head to avoid their looks, but her bouncing bunny ears just drew more attention. Madoka clasped her hands and squealed.

"Bunnies!" she said. "Bunnies everywhere!"

She ran up to Tomoko and hugged her. She blushed.

"You're so cute, Miss Kuroki!" said Madoka. "You'd fit right in with the rest of my stuffed animals."

"I'd love to be your stuffed animal," thought Tomoko. A curl popped out on the top of her head.

"Ugh, not again," said Haruhi. She walked up to Tomoko and pet it straight.

"How did you get her hair to settle without any hairspray, anyway?" asked Kyon.

"It was a real pain, trust me," said Haruhi. "But all I had to do was set my mind to it. You know, like I do with everything."

"That doesn't answer the question at all," thought Kyon. "But I think I know the answer, anyway."

"So what do we do now?" asked Madoka.

"Hmm, good question," said Haruhi. "Last time we just handed out flyers, but we didn't get any people that way. I think we should come up with a new battle plan."

"With all these bunny girls, why don't we just open up a restaurant?" thought Kyon.

"Master Haruhi, I have an idea!" said Konata.

"Let's hear it!" said Haruhi.

"Why don't we open up a kissing booth?" asked Konata.

"A… kissing booth?" said Madoka.

"You have got me kidding me," thought Kyon. "That's totally inappropriate. Not that I wouldn't be the first in line. Especially if it had been Miss Asahina in that bunny girl outfit."

"No way, that would never work," said Haruhi. "Besides, I'm already taken. I can't go around kissing strangers. Right, Kyon?"

"R-Right," he said.

"I can't kiss anybody either. I have a girlfriend too," said Madoka.

"A girlfriend?" said Haruhi.

"I mean, I am a girlfriend," said Madoka, blushing.

"Girl love confirmed," thought Tomoko.

"Don't worry, it wouldn't be for us," said Konata. "I'm taken too. We would have Mokocchi do it."

"W-What?" stuttered Tomoko. "Konata… are you crazy?"

"Yeah, that could work," said Haruhi. "But what would the rest of us do?"

"You and me could put on a musical performance!" said Konata. "Kyon and Madoka could pass out flyers."

Haruhi nodded. "Well then! It's all settled! Except for one thing. What song should we play?"

"Hare Hare Yukai!" said Konata. "I know all the moves."

"That's perfect!" said Haruhi. "So do I!"

"M-me t…" muttered Tomoko. "Let me j…"

"Hmm? Did you say something, Miss Kuroki?" asked Madoka.

"Let me join—blrr!"

Konata put her hand over Tomoko's mouth.

"Hahaha, she just needs some help with setting up the booth!" said Konata. "See you in a bit, Master Haruhi!"

Konata dragged her off.

"Weird," thought Kyon. "I think I've just met people stranger than Haruhi."

* * *

Tomoko and Konata had set up a booth outside in the university's quad. They had put up a sign that said "Free kisses! Join the SOS Brigade."

"What have you gotten me into?" asked Tomoko. "I'm scared, Konata."

"Don't worry, don't worry!" said Konata. "You said you wanted a boyfriend, right? This way you'll be noticed for sure!"

"But I'm scared of talking to people," said Tomoko. "And what if some really creepy guy shows up and wants to kiss me?"

"Then just kiss him on the cheek," said Konata. "Besides, this is college. There aren't any creepy guys here. They're all grown up."

"All grown up?" said Tomoko.

"Yeah!" said Konata. "Before they were all weird, like Son Goku when he was a kid. Now they're all suave and handsome, like Light Yagami!"

"Light Yagami?" thought Tomoko.

She imagined him walking up to the booth and sweeping back his long bangs, giving her a seductive smirk. "Hey there, you piece of shit," he'd say. "Are you willing to die for me?"

"A total lady-Kira," said Tomoko.

"Now you're getting it," said Konata. "Just think of it this way. You're like a famous idol making her fans' dreams come true!"

"You're right!" said Tomoko. Her eyes glistened. "I can do this!"

Konata gave her a thumbs-up. "See you later, Mokocchi!"

She left.

"Wait a second," thought Tomoko. "Wasn't Light totally insane? Also, if I'm the idol, why is she the one who gets to sing?"

Then she noticed two boys walking towards her. One had red hair and was wearing a black blazer, and the other had long black hair and green eyes. They stopped to talk to each other.

"What's this? Are they coming for me?" thought Tomoko. "Two? At once!? I don't know if I could handle it! It would tear me apart!"

They began to argue. Tomoko couldn't make out what they were saying.

"Oh no, they're fighting because of me, aren't they?" she thought. "They must be arguing over which one of them can take me out! I knew it. I'm too beautiful now. What have I done to the world? The tears of my rejected will flood the Seven Seas!"

And then the two boys walked away.

"Huh? Where are they going?" thought Tomoko.

And then an overweight boy and glasses showed up.

"So fast!" thought Tomoko. "Oh my God, he reeks."

"What's the SOS Brigade?" he asked.

"It's, umm… It's a," said Tomoko. "It's a club, and…"

"Are you giving out free kisses?" he asked.

"Well, umm, I…" said Tomoko.

She mentally screamed. "What's wrong with this guy? He's such a fatass! Does he just sit around playing games and watching anime all day?"

"It's been a long time since anybody kissed me," said the boy. "I hope I can remember to hold back my saliva."

He leaned in to kiss her.

"AHHH!" Tomoko screamed.

She fell backwards and blacked out.

"Not again," said the boy. "I guess I should call a nurse."

He walked away and a girl showed up to put Tomoko on a wheelchair. She wheeled her away to the nurse's office. Once she was gone, the two boys from earlier showed up again.

"Damn it, man," said the red-haired boy. "I told you, you're supposed to just go for it. Now you've missed your chance."

"I must've scared her off," said the black-haired boy. "Oh well. Let's go."

* * *

When Tomoko woke up, Madoka was sitting by her bedside.

"M-Madoka?" said Tomoko. She sat up. "What happened?"

"The nurse told me that you fainted," she said. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"I, err…" Tomoko muttered. "A gross boy tried to kiss me."

"I knew it!" said Madoka. "I knew I should've put my foot down when they came up with that awful plan."

"It's not your fault," said Tomoko. "I should've said something."

Madoka shook her head. "You're shy. They should've known better. You shouldn't have to speak up to be treated like a human being."

"That's true," thought Tomoko. "Madoka really gets me."

And then Madoka started crying. She hugged her.

"The next time they try to make you do something like that, I'll say something," said Madoka. "I'll protect you next time, Miss Kuroki. I promise."

Tomoko was shocked. Then she smiled. "You can call me Tomoko," she said.

Madoka wiped away her tears and smiled. "Don't worry, Tomoko. I'll protect you."

Tomoko nodded. Then she sighed.

"What's wrong?" asked Madoka.

"I just thought my first kiss would be better," said Tomoko.

"And that's what makes me really upset," said Madoka. "Your kisses should only be given to those you love."

"What was your first kiss like?" asked Tomoko.

"Oh," said Madoka.

"If you don't mind me asking," said Tomoko.

"I don't mind," said Madoka. She giggled. "I just never really thought about it… I guess you could say it was kind of dry."

"Dry?" asked Tomoko.

"Yeah," said Madoka. "Because of something he ate."

"What kind of food makes your mouth dry?" asked Tomoko.

"I guess you could say it was sort of like a vegetable," said Madoka, laughing.

"What did he look like?" asked Tomoko.

"He had long dark hair and this beautiful icy stare," said Madoka. "His eyes were purple."

"A bishonen," said Tomoko.

Madoka smiled.

"Umm… is something wrong?" asked Tomoko.

Madoka shook her head. "I just thought you'd never warm up to me, that's all."

"She's right!" thought Tomoko. "We're having a conversation!"

"We're going over to Miss Suzumiya's tonight," said Madoka. "I'll give you my number, just in case."

They swapped phone numbers.

"Bye!" said Madoka. She left.

Then Konata showed up.

"Mokocchi, are you alright!?" asked Konata. "The nurse told me that you fainted!"

"An otaku tried to kiss me," said Tomoko.

Konata laughed. "Is that all?"

Tomoko was annoyed. "He was disgusting."

"Right, I'm sorry," said Konata. "We'll come up with a better plan next time."

"I don't think I want to be in the plan next time," said Tomoko.

"What!?" said Konata. "But don't you want to be popular?"

"I do, but…" said Tomoko.

"Then this is your chance!" said Konata. "We're hanging out with Haruhi now! Isn't that the dream?"

"Yeah," said Tomoko.

"And Haruhi's the most popular girl of all time!" said Konata. "If you stick with her, you're bound to get popular."

Tomoko nodded.

"I'm sorry about what happened," said Konata. "But it'll be better next time. I'll get Haruhi to do the Caramelldansen. You'll want to be a part of that, right?"

Tomoko smiled. "Yeah!"

"Great," said Konata. "I'll ask her tomorrow. But for tonight…" her eye shone. "We'll be smoking weed."

* * *

**That's it for Chapter 2! Sorry it took so long. I got lost on the road of life, and my proofreaders bailed out on me. Hopefully I'm still able to entertain you! The wait between now and the next chapter won't be as long, I promise. Don't be afraid to give me any feedback!**


	3. Chapter Purple

Haruhi sautéed black beans and onions while Konata and Tomoko sat on the floor and played Super Smash Bros. Melee. Kyon was lying back in a recliner listening to music, and Madoka was sitting on the couch sketching him.

"You said your friend was bringing her vaporizer, right? What was her name again? Homura?" asked Haruhi.

Madoka nodded. "Yeah. My friend Homura has been a stoner for years."

"They always go for the bad ones," thought Tomoko.

"Great," said Haruhi. "I guess we'll hold off on smoking until then. That'll give me plenty of time to finish these burritos, too."

"Why do you always play with the items off on that same stage?" asked Kyon. "Doesn't that ruin the whole fun of the game?"

"Playing without items is what _makes_ the game fun," said Konata. "This way it's all about pure skill."

Tomoko's Marth beat Konata's Falco for the third time.

"… But maybe it's more skillful to be able to avoid items," said Konata.

"Don't even think about it," said Tomoko.

Konata sighed. "I guess I'll have to use Jigglypuff."

"Jigglypuff's so cute!" said Madoka. "But I like Wigglytuff even more. It always made me mad because of how impossible it was to find toys of her."

"Oh? Do you play Pokémon, Madoka?" asked Konata.

"Only the originals," said Madoka. "I kind of lost track after that."

"Everyone knows the originals were the best, anyway," said Haruhi.

Konata and Tomoko snickered.

"What's so funny?" asked Haruhi.

"Oh, nothing," said Konata. "Mokocchi made a sloppy mistake."

Tomoko beat her again.

"Ahhh!" said Konata.

"Do you want to try the American rule set?" asked Tomoko.

"No!" said Konata, fire burning in her eyes. "I must… reclaim… my honor."

The doorbell rang. Madoka's heart skipped a beat.

"I'll get it," said Kyon.

* * *

He opened the door. Homura was holding a giant stuffed banana under her arm and a bag in her hand. She flipped her hair.

"A pleasure to meet you," said Homura. "I'm Homura Akemi, Madoka's –

"Homura!" yelled Madoka. She ran up to her and hugged her. "You brought my pillow, too."

"Yes. You left it at my place," said Homura.

"That's because I'm sleeping over again," said Madoka.

"Do we really need it?" asked Homura. "It keeps getting in the way."

"Are you hearing this?" whispered Konata to Tomoko.

She nodded. "Long black hair, purple eyes… that's Madoka's 'boyfriend,' alright."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Haruhi," she said. "Go ahead and make yourself at home. I'm making burritos, I'll be done in a second.

Madoka sat down and Homura dropped the pillow at her feet. Homura plugged in the Volcano, a metallic vaporizer shaped like its namesake, and turned on the heat. She began to grind the weed.

"Alright, all done!" said Haruhi. "Don't worry, Homura, I made an extra one for you, too."

They began to eat.

"It's strange to see Haruhi be so nurturing," thought Kyon. "The way she's cooking for us, you'd almost think she's fit to be a mother."

"Mmm, it's so good!" said Konata.

"Well of course it is!" said Haruhi. "I made sure the last meal we had before getting high was extra special. After all, I didn't want us to get the munchies."

After they were done eating, they attached the bag to the top of the Volcano and turned on its internal fan. It inflated with vapor.

"Would you care to do the honors?" asked Homura.

"How does it work?" asked Haruhi.

"You press your lips to the valve and inhale," said Homura. "Like you're sucking the soul out of your enemies."

"What?" said Haruhi.

"I'm sorry. I smoked a little before I came here," said Homura.

Haruhi took a hit. She passed the bag around.

"Maybe I shouldn't smoke as much as everyone else," thought Tomoko. "I don't want a repeat of my first time."

Homura finished the bag. Madoka watched her lips and daydreamed. Homura exhaled smoke rings.

"Wow!" said Haruhi. "How did you do that?"

"I'm good with my mouth," said Homura.

"Is that true?" said Konata to Madoka.

"W-What?" Madoka blushed. "How would I know?"

"Ehh, I don't know, I just had a feeling." Konata shrugged.

"Let me try," said Haruhi. She puckered her lips and blew. The smoke blew out as normal.

Kyon laughed.

"Don't laugh at the Brigade Leader, Kyon!" said Haruhi. "I'll give you a penalty."

"Can you blame me?" said Kyon. "You look like a fish."

Haruhi put her hands on her hips and glared at him.

Kyon smiled. "Alright, alright. I'm sorry." He sat down next to her and hugged her.

Haruhi was surprised. Then she smiled. "You know, even though you're my boyfriend, I still haven't gotten used to this. Change that, okay?"

"Aren't they so cute?" said Konata to Madoka. "You guys are so lucky. I wish my girlfriend was here, too."

Homura smiled and moved her hand on top of Madoka's. Madoka drew hers away. Homura was surprised, but brushed it off as an accident.

* * *

"Wait a second, did you say girlfriend?" said Haruhi. "You're dating a girl? Are you serious?"

"Haruhi," said Kyon. "No homophobia, okay?"

"Yeah, no Homuphobia, alright, Madoka?" said Konata.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Madoka, looking away.

"But anyway, yeah," said Konata. "I'm dating this purple-haired tsundere named Kagami. She goes to our university, too."

"I think I know her," said Homura. "Is her family name Hiiragi?"

"That's right," said Konata.

"She's in my class," said Homura. "And she's my number-one rival."

"That's my Kagami," said Konata. "A workaholic. My total opposite, really."

"Hang on a second," said Haruhi. "What's a tsundere?"

"Ho ho ho!" said Konata. "There are many ways to look at it, but a tsundere is a mean girl that later reveals her hidden sweet side. Tsun tsun, dere dere."

"I wish Haruhi would be 'dere' more often," thought Kyon.

"Are you okay, Tomoko?" asked Madoka.

Tomoko was lying flat on the floor, staring at the ceiling. "Yeah," she said. "Just relaxing." She started to giggle.

"What's so funny?" asked Haruhi.

"The ceiling fan. It's so dusty," said Tomoko.

"What?" said Haruhi.

"The ceiling fan is really dusty," said Tomoko. She began to laugh.

"Oh, now I get it," said Haruhi. She giggled too.

"What? There was nothing to get!" thought Kyon.

Madoka started laughing too. "The ceiling fan really _is_ dusty!"

"Dusty the Fan," said Konata.

"Dustin Bieber," said Tomoko.

Everybody started to crack up.

"Okay, _now_ I see it," said Kyon.

"Oh. Is that Smash Bros. DX?" asked Homura.

"Yeah," said Konata. "Wanna play?"

"Sure," said Homura. She tried to flip her hair but missed. She hit Madoka in the face.

"Oww!" said Madoka, clutching her nose. "Homura… why?"

"Madoka! I'm so sorry," said Homura. "Let me kiss it and make it better."

"Haha, it's okay," said Madoka. "Play your game, Homura."

Homura frowned but tried to shake it off. If she felt sad too long, the weed would amplify that. So she sat down with Konata and began to choose her character.

"Do you want to play, Mokocchi?" asked Konata.

"I'm fine," said Tomoko. "Did you ever notice that the cracks in the ceiling sort of make a constellation? I wonder where the North Star is…"

"Atatatata!" said Konata.

Haruhi laughed. "You guys are so weird," she said. "I'm glad I never got hooked on videogames when I was little."

"Why don't you join us, Master Haruhi?" said Konata.

"Hmm… I would, but…"

"But?" said Konata.

Haruhi blushed. "… Kyon feels really warm and nice right now."

Kyon smiled.

* * *

"This is pretty nostalgic for me," said Homura. "I was sickly when I was younger, so I didn't get to do many things. To pass time, sometimes I would play videogames."

"I spent my childhood playing videogames too!" said Konata. "But I didn't really have any reason to."

"But now Homura is quite the athlete, right Homura?" said Madoka.

Homura smiled. "I guess you could say that."

"Do you run?" asked Konata. "I'm a beast on the track. My enemies call me 'The Blue Blur!'"

"She makes track sound like F-Zero," thought Tomoko.

"I don't care for running one way or another," said Homura.

"I love to run, Konata!" said Madoka. "I can run fifty meters in less than ten seconds!"

"Ahh, impressive! We should race!" said Konata.

"Sure!" said Madoka.

"But for now, we fight," said Homura.

Homura chose Sheik and Konata chose Falco. They started on Dreamland. Homura ran off the stage and died.

"I'm so high right now," she said.

"Me too," said Tomoko. "Can you take me higher?"

"I guess we can fill up a new bag," said Haruhi. "You know, you've gotten pretty talkative, newbie."

Tomoko sat up. "You're right! I'm not afraid of talking at all! What happened?"

"The miracle of marijuana," said Konata.

"I don't ever want to stop smoking weed," said Tomoko.

"Be careful," said Konata. "If your tolerance gets too high, you're still going to have to talk to people the hard way anyway."

Madoka kept drawing while they played. She looked at Kyon. Then she started giggling.

"What?" said Kyon.

"I'm drawing a picture of you," said Madoka.

"Really? Can I see it?" asked Kyon.

Madoka passed him her sketchbook. It was Kyon wearing a frilly dress.

"That's you as a magical girl!" said Madoka.

"Oh, brother," said Kyon.

Haruhi laughed. "That's a good look for you, Kyon."

"Draw me as a magical girl, Madoka!" said Konata.

"Okay," said Madoka.

"Just what is a magical girl, anyway?" asked Haruhi. "You mean like Sailor Moon?"

"Yeah," said Madoka. "But magical girls are real! They give hope to suffering girls everywhere."

Homura paused the game. She got up and walked over to Madoka.

"Madoka. What are you saying?" said Homura.

"I was just explaining to Miss Suzumiya what a magical girl was," said Madoka. "Oh no! Was I not supposed to do that?"

"Don't you remember? By talking about magical girls, you risk putting everyone in danger," said Homura. "You should've known better."

Madoka looked down. "I'm sorry… Kyon asked for my help, so I just had to tell everybody."

"What is she talking about?" asked Haruhi.

"I have no idea," said Kyon.

"You didn't show them anything, did you?" asked Homura.

"I kind of… showed them… my transformation," said Madoka.

"Wait, I didn't get to see any transformation!" said Haruhi.

Homura was silent. Madoka could feel her glare. She fought back tears.

"I'm sorry, Homura," she said. "He just sounded like he was in trouble… So I just sort of jumped in without thinking."

"Could you at least think before you speak?" thought Kyon.

Homura sighed. "Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but that sounds just like you," she said. She lifted Madoka's chin up to look at her. "You know I'm just trying to protect you, right? I don't want anyone to hurt you."

Madoka smiled. "I know, Homura."

"What the heck is a magical girl!?" said Haruhi.

"I guess since the rest of you know, there's no point in hiding it," said Homura. "A long time ago, there was this race of furry little creatures called Incubators. They sent members of their species across the world to look for vulnerable young girls to form contracts with. They would promise the girls any wish their heart desired, but in return ask them to become magical girls to fight demons known as 'witches.'"

"Would they really grant the girl's wishes?" asked Haruhi.

"Yes," said Homura. "But what they didn't tell them was that when they succumbed to despair, they too would become witches. So Madoka made a wish to change all that. She became a god and rewrote the laws of the universe."

"No way!" said Haruhi. "She's just a girl in college. You're trying to tell me that _she's_ a god?"

Madoka nodded. "It's true. Now when magical girls fall into despair, a part of me shows up to take them to the afterlife. Instead of witches, we've been fighting wraiths."

"Wraiths are the curses of mankind," said Homura.

Haruhi laughed. "You must be really high right now."

"She's telling the truth!" said Madoka.

She wiggled her finger and glowed pink. She transformed into her flowing white dress. Haruhi was awestruck.

"No… way…" she said. "Kyon… are you seeing this?"

"Unfortunately," he said.

"This is so cool!" said Haruhi. "I can't believe it! I want to be a god too. I want to fill the world with aliens and ghosts and all sorts of cool things! What happened to the Incubators?"

"They're all dead," said Kyon.

"Huh?" said Haruhi.

"Madoka told me," said Kyon. "They're all dead. Killed in an accident. Right, you guys?"

"Oh. Yeah, right," said Madoka.

"What? That's totally lame!" said Haruhi.

"It may be," said Kyon. "But hey, at least you now you've finally had a run-in with the supernatural. You should be happy, right?"

"Hmm… yeah," said Haruhi. "I'm over the moon."

Madoka transformed back.

* * *

"Guys, I'm huuuungry," said Konata.

"Me too," said Tomoko.

"Now that you mention it, I could eat a Sasquatch," said Kyon.

"Aww man," said Haruhi. "I'm too high to cook. There's more beans in the fridge though, if you want them."

"How about I call my girlfriend to bring us some snacks?" asked Konata.

"Hiiragi," muttered Homura.

"That sounds fine," said Haruhi.

Konata made the phone call. "She said she'll be right over!"

"So what now?" asked Madoka.

"Let's smoke," said Tomoko.

They all sat down at the table and passed around another bag.

"Miss Suzumiya, can I ask you a question?" asked Tomoko.

"Nope," said Haruhi. "Not unless you knock it off with that 'Miss Suzumiya' stuff. Here in the SOS Brigade, we're all friends! But you can keep calling me Master, Konata."

"Aye aye, captain!" said Konata, saluting.

"So what were you going to ask me?" said Haruhi.

"Umm… I was just wondering if… maybe you could help me with my makeup again," said Tomoko. "I had fun the last time we did it."

"Sure!" said Haruhi. "I can make you way prettier than any magical girl."

"I was hoping she would drop that," thought Kyon.

"Guys, want to see something funny?" asked Konata. "I didn't know that Homura was bringing her vaporizer, so I brought my pipe just in case."

She took out her pipe with a bowl shaped like Haruhi's head.

"Are you insane!?" thought Kyon. "The guys upstairs must really have it out for me."

"Woah, that's really weird!" said Haruhi. "This pipe looks exactly like me!"

"Right. But it's not you," said Kyon. "It's just a pipe with some girl's face on it."

"Well yeah, Kyon, I'm not stupid," said Haruhi. "I just thought the resemblance was cool, that's all."

Kyon breathed a sigh of relief. "Just put that thing away, will you?"

"Oh! Right!" said Konata. "I'm sorry."

"I think I need to lay down," said Madoka. "I feel a warm wave passing through my body... And I also feel kind of queasy."

"Why don't we just all take a nap?" suggested Konata.

"A nap would be lovely," said Kyon.

* * *

Haruhi snuggled up with Kyon on the recliner. Madoka and Homura sat on the sofa and leaned on each other. Konata curled up on the floor in front of the TV, watching computers duke it out. Tomoko felt a little lonely.

"Everybody here has somebody," she thought. "I feel so out of place."

She lied down on her back and took out her phone and headphones. Maybe the sweet sounds of the Yandere Boys would make her feel wanted.

"Mokocchi?" asked Konata. "What are you doing? Come over here."

"Huh?" thought Tomoko.

She crawled over to Konata. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Lay down with me," said Konata.

"W-What?" said Tomoko.

"Don't be all by yourself," said Konata.

Tomoko lied down next to Konata.

"See? Isn't this better?" said Konata. "Even sleep is better when it's multiplayer."

Tomoko smiled. She put on the Yandere Boys and closed her eyes.

"I better not catch you looking at him again," said one the boys. "You belong to me. Not just your body, but your eyes too."

"Ah, perfect," thought Tomoko. "I forgot how good this track was. Maybe it's because I'm high. His beautiful deep voice pounding on my eardrums. Oh!"

"If I see you within even just a five meter radius of him, I'm going to get out my whip again," he went on. "And this time I'm not going to stop even if you start crying."

Then Tomoko heard Konata crack up.

"What? Can she hear me?" thought Tomoko.

Then she heard everyone fight back laughter.

"Can they all hear me!?" thought Tomoko.

She looked down at her phone. Her headphones were unplugged.

"I don't blame you," said Konata. "Weed is good for this kind of stuff."

Tomoko shot up and turned red. She tried to leave, but Konata grabbed her arm.

"Mokocchi, where are you going?" said Konata.

"My life is ruined! Now you know all know just how twisted I am," said Tomoko. "How can I face you?"

"It's alright," said Kyon. "It's just like Konata said. It happens to the best of us."

"No it doesn't," said Tomoko. "It happens to me. Because I'm not like you guys." She started crying.

Konata sat her down and rubbed her back. "Mokocchi, he's telling the truth! Don't feel bad. We all do weird things because of our sexuality."

"Yeah, right," said Tomoko.

"I take screen caps of sexy videogame characters all the time!" said Konata. "And sometimes I'd try to make Kagami cosplay as characters I liked because it turned me on. Even before I was dating her."

"I used to look at dirty pictures I would take of an old friend of mine," said Kyon.

"And I used to force _boys_ to dress up in my bunny costumes," said Haruhi.

"Even somebody like me gets carried away sometimes," said Madoka. "One time I was on the train, and there was this man was sitting with his legs spread wide open. I should've looked away… but I didn't."

"Please lend me that CD," said Homura.

They all laughed.

"I'm serious," said Homura.

"You see, Mokocchi? It's nothing to be ashamed about," said Konata.

Tomoko wiped her tears. "Y-Yeah… thanks guys."

Konata's phone started ringing.

"Hmm? Hello?"

"Hey, I'm on my way," said Kagami. "You wanted Calpis, right?"

"That's right," said Konata.

"Alright, good," said Kagami. "You better not want all this junk because you're doing something shady."

"Something… shady?" asked Konata.

"That's right. I don't think I need to repeat myself," said Kagami. "If I catch even one whiff of that stuff, you're in big trouble. You understand me?"

"… Yeah," said Konata. She began to sweat bullets.

"Good. Bye!" said Kagami.

"Bye," said Konata.

Konata stood up and looked down somberly. "Guys… we have a situation."

"What's wrong?" asked Haruhi.

"My girlfriend is coming," said Konata.

"So?" said Haruhi. "She's bringing the snacks, right?"

"You don't understand!" said Konata. "I just remembered that she's against me smoking weed!" said Konata. "She said she'd that if she caught me again that I'd be in big trouble."

"Are you serious?" said Kyon. "You just brought the fire to the frying pan."

"I don't think that's how that expression works," said Madoka.

"Don't we have air freshener?" asked Tomoko.

"No, we don't," said Haruhi. "Kyon can go get some, I guess."

"Why do I have to do it?" asked Kyon.

"Because everyone else is too stoned," said Haruhi.

"I'll do it," said Homura. "But can somebody turn on the lights?"

Madoka swept Homura's hair out of her face.

"Oh," said Homura.

"This is bad, real bad," said Konata. "How are we going to cover up the smell?"

Tomoko farted.

"S-S-Sorry!" she said. "It must be the beans."

"That's it!" said Konata. "Guys! We have to fart! As soon as Kagami walks in the door! All at the same time."

* * *

"I'm not sure if I can fart big enough," said Madoka.

"Trust me, you can," said Homura.

Madoka blushed.

"Farting, huh?" said Haruhi. "I guess we can pull it off."

"But how are we going to coordinate all our farts?" asked Kyon. "It's not something we can practice like synchronized swimming."

"Just leave it to me!" said Haruhi. "With my help, we'll be getting the gold medal for farting in no time!"

They hid the vaping equipment and Haruhi got out the leftover beans.

"This plan is going to fail," thought Tomoko. "Haruhi's farts probably smell like angel dust."

When they were done eating, all that was left was to wait for Kagami. Konata camped the door anxiously. She peered through the peephole.

"She's here! I can see her coming!" said Konata. "Get ready!"

Konata opened the door.

"What's up!" said Kagami.

Their farts exploded with the force of a compact hurricane. The temperature of the room rose by several degrees. A lamp fell off its desk.

"I think I need new panties," muttered Madoka.

Everyone was silent.

"Wow," said Kagami. "That really stinks."

"Yeah, haha," said Konata. "We ate a lot of beans."

"I see," said Kagami. "Well, here's your stuff."

"Thanks," said Konata.

"No problem," said Kagami. "Wait a second. Is that you, Akemi? What are you doing hanging out with this loser?"

Homura flipped her hair. "I'm here because of Madoka. She's in this club too. Plus, she's my –

"Best friend!" said Madoka. "Homura is my best friend!"

"Best friend?" said Homura.

"Yeah," said Madoka. "My best friend."

"I thought Sayaka was your best friend," said Homura.

"You are too," said Madoka.

"I see…" said Homura.

"Wow," thought Tomoko. "The relationship those two have almost make me glad I'm single."

"Well, anyways, see you tomorrow," said Kagami. "Try not to pick up any of Konata's habits, alright?"

"Wait!" said Konata. "You're not going to leave without giving me a kiss, right?"

"W-What?" said Kagami. "Why would I do that?"

"Because you're my girlfriend," said Konata, hugging her. "Come on, Kagamiiiin… Don't leave me hungry."

"I brought you snacks," said Kagami.

"Did you bring me any Pocky?" asked Konata.

"Well… no," said Kagami.

"Then give me a taste," said Konata.

Kagami blushed. "Alright, alright."

They kissed.

"Ahh, the lips of a college girl are so soft," said Konata. "Right, Madoka?"

"I-I guess," she said.

"Don't say weird stuff like that in public," said Kagami. "See you later."

"Bye bye!" said Konata.

She left.

"Whew, that was a close one," said Konata. "Thanks for the beans, Master Haruhi!"

"Don't mention it!" she said. "But now we really do need some air freshener."

"Best friend? Is that really all she thinks of me?" thought Homura.

Kyon picked up the lamp. "I'll go get it," he said.

"I'll go with you," said Haruhi.

"Really?" said Kyon.

"Yeah," said Haruhi. "I don't want you bumping into things because you're high."

They left.

"Huh," said Homura. "I should've frozen time."

"You can do that?" asked Tomoko.

"Yeah," said Homura. "But I guess I forgot."

"Is that part of being a magical girl?" asked Tomoko.

"It is for me," said Homura. "The kind of powers you get depends on the kind of wish you make."

"Wish, huh?" thought Tomoko. "I wonder if I should wish for a boyfriend or to be popular… If I'm popular, I can have a harem, right?"

"Hey, Homura, can I see you hair?" asked Konata. "It's just as long as mine, but it's so much prettier!"

"Sure," said Homura.

Konata sat down next to Homura and pulled her hair back from her ear.

"Don't worry," she whispered. "I'll get Madoka to warm up to you."

"Really?" asked Homura.

Konata gave her a thumbs-up. "You betcha! I've got this!"

* * *

Haruhi and Kyon came back. They sprayed the room and sofas.

"That's much better!" said Madoka.

"So what now?" asked Haruhi. "I'm bored."

"I don't know," said Kyon. "Why don't you do a little dance for us?"

"What? Seriously?" said Haruhi.

"Yeah. Why not? In your little bunny outfit," said Kyon. "In fact, you should all be in your bunny girl outfits."

"You're such a pervert, Kyon," said Haruhi.

"I'll do it!" said Konata. "Besides, I promised Mokocchi she'd get to dance with us this time!"

"You shouldn't be making promises on behalf of the Brigade Leader," said Haruhi. "But I'll overlook it this time."

"Can I get higher first?" asked Tomoko.

"Of course you can!" said Haruhi. "In fact, let's all do another bag!"

"Great," thought Tomoko. "Now I won't be so embarrassed."

After they smoked, they began to get dressed. Konata pulled out her outfit from her bag and Haruhi brought out the two that she owned.

"Huh? You're not going to get dressed in front of me, are you?" asked Kyon.

"Oh, right, I forgot," said Haruhi. "Umm… how should we do this?"

"Just send Kyon to another room," said Konata.

"Actually, I've got a better idea," said Haruhi. "How about you all change in my room?"

"Sounds great!" said Konata.

"Eheuheuheu," said Tomoko.

"Wait, should I go too?" asked Madoka. "I don't want to see anybody naked."

"You can just look at me," said Homura. "That is, if you still want to."

"Homura…" said Madoka.

They all walked to Haruhi's room.

"Wait," said Konata. "Master Haruhi, aren't you coming?"

"I think I'll stay here," she said.

"Gotcha," winked Konata, giving a thumbs-up.

They left. Haruhi took off her shirt.

"Is this really happening?" thought Kyon. "Maybe the guys upstairs don't have it out for me after all!"

"You know Kyon, I've been thinking," said Haruhi, taking off her skirt. "Back in the days of the old SOS Brigade, we never really looked for anything in particular. Maybe that's why we couldn't find anything."

"Uh huh. Go on," said Kyon.

"So I was thinking," said Haruhi, unhooking her bra. "I finally know what it is I want to look for."

"Is it a bigger bra?" asked Kyon. "Because those things are massive."

"What? No!" said Haruhi. "Though I'm glad you like them. I want to find an Incubator, silly."

"An Incubator!?" said Kyon. "You're not talking about those creatures that Homura was talking about, are you?"

"Well of course I am!" said Haruhi, taking off her panties. "I want to be a magical girl." Haruhi did a twirl. Kyon got stiff.

"Well, uh, err," said Kyon. "You heard what they said. They're extinct."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything!" said Haruhi. "Things go extinct all the time. But then later they get rediscovered. One time somebody told me a certain kind of bird was extinct, but then I came across it the very next day! They're just not looking hard enough."

"I'm looking hard enough already," said Kyon.

"Oh yeah?" said Haruhi. She climbed into Kyon's lap. "Show me."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," said Kyon, turning red.

"What's the matter?" said Haruhi. "Do I have to dye my hair red and act like a ditz?" She moved her hand to Kyon's crotch. "Oops. I think my hand got stuck in your zipper."

Konata peeked out from the hallway. "Are you all done, Master Haruhi!?"

She saw Haruhi naked in Kyon's lap.

"Sorry!" said Konata.

"You're getting a penalty!" said Haruhi. "A big fat penalty!"

"But will it be fatter than that butt?" thought Konata. She giggled.

After Konata left, Haruhi put on her bunny outfit.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" said Kyon.

"You mean your boner?" asked Haruhi. "I don't know, just leave it like that."

"While you guys dance?" said Kyon. "Are you crazy?"

"I thought you got off on being embarrassed," said Haruhi. "I mean, why else did you use to look at pictures of Mikuru in public?"

"I was in the privacy of the classroom!" said Kyon.

"Well, whatever," said Haruhi. "Alright everybody, come on out!"

They assembled. Konata hooked in her phone to the stereo and played Hare Hare Yukai. But just then, Kyon's phone started ringing.

"Ugh, who's that?" said Haruhi.

Kyon read the caller ID. It was Mikuru.

"Huh? Why is Miss Asahina calling me?" thought Kyon.

"C'mon, hurry up and answer it," said Haruhi.

Kyon declined the call.

"It's alright," he said. "I'd rather watch my girlfriend dance."

* * *

**Oh man! The longest chapter yet. I only meant for this to be a short intermission, but with all the things I had to set up, it ended up being longer than expected. Sorry if it seems a little unorganized! I hope you enjoyed it. As always, I'm open to any suggestions. Up next is Chapter Pink! **_Edit #1 - 7/17/15: I fixed a typo.**  
**_


	4. Chapter Pink

Konata replayed the song. The girls shook their hands. They stepped left. They stepped right. Then they all waddled to the left and Tomoko tripped over the aux cable.

"Bwah!" she yelped.

"Are you okay!?" asked Madoka.

"Y-Yeah," said Tomoko. "I guess I'm not used to doing this under the influence."

"Why didn't you just connect it with Bluetooth?" said Haruhi.

Konata rubbed her head. "I guess I'm not used to doing this under the influence either."

"Could've fooled me," thought Kyon. "With eyes like that, I figured Izumi was perma-stoned."

"You're all hopeless," said Haruhi. "Just forget about it. Why don't we all go look for an Incubator instead?"

"That's the worst idea I've ever heard," said Homura.

"What did you say!?" said Haruhi.

"I think what Homura _meant_ to say was that it's already late," said Kyon. "Plus, we're stoned. Even if we weren't, we'd have no idea where to start. Why don't we figure it out tomorrow?"

"Or you could figure it out right now," said Haruhi.

"How about we figure it out never?" said Homura.

"Are you _trying_ to get kicked out?" said Haruhi.

"Umm, guys, let's not fight," said Madoka.

"Yeah," said Konata. "Let's just smoke another bag, Master Haruhi. It'll help us think of ways to find an Incubator."

"Hmm, alright," said Haruhi.

Homura froze time. She tapped everyone but Haruhi, unfreezing them.

"I stopped time for her," said Homura.

"She looks just like my figurine now!" thought Tomoko.

"Listen," said Homura. "We are not looking for an Incubator. I don't want any more girls fighting demons for the rest of their lives. Especially not on television."

"I'm afraid we don't have any choice," said Kyon. "Either we find an Incubator, or Haruhi will just poof one into existence."

"What?" said Homura.

"It's true!" said Konata. "Master Haruhi has the power to make her wildest dreams come true! She never knows how or when it'll happen, but when she wants something, she always gets it!"

"She can even force people to be her friends," thought Tomoko. "Maybe if this whole college thing doesn't work out, I'll just become a psychopath."

"That's all just TV magic," said Homura. "Haruhi doesn't _actually_ make things come true. Only Incubators can grant wishes."

"Look, I don't know how stuff changes," said Kyon. "I don't know if it's TV magic, or if it's because of Incubators, or if it's because Haruhi _is_ an Incubator. All I know is that what Haruhi wants, Haruhi gets. Unless…"

"Unless?" said Homura.

* * *

"Unless, somehow we satisfy her curiosity, and make her forget all about this nonsense," said Kyon.

"I've got it!" said Konata. "Why don't we cosplay as a _fake_ Incubator? One that's so scary, it'll send her running!"

"Somehow I can't picture Haruhi being scared," said Kyon.

"So we'll just get her extra stoned!" said Madoka. "It's a great idea! We don't even need to cosplay, I can make the fake Incubator with my magic!"

"Hmm… that might work," said Homura. "Okay, I'm unfreezing time."

Tomoko filled up a bag and passed it to Haruhi. She took a hit. Tomoko took one right after.

"Ah! I love second-hand kisses from Haruhi!" she thought.

"Hmm… okay," said Haruhi. "Where can we find an Incubator? You said they looked for vulnerable young girls, right, Homura?"

"That's right," she said.

"Okay, then we just need to go somewhere where we're vulnerable, and we're bound to find one!" said Haruhi.

"Like on a train late at night?" thought Tomoko.

"Now she's trying to put us in danger on _purpose_," thought Kyon.

"Let's go Aokigahara, the Suicide Forest!" said Konata. "That place is crawling with demons! Or maybe just perverts. Either way, we'll be vulnerable there for sure!"

"That sounds great!" said Haruhi. "I'm promoting you to Lieutenant."

Tears rolled down Konata's cheeks. "I'm honored, Captain!"

"Konata, you bitch," thought Tomoko.

"Huh? We're getting ranks?" thought Kyon. "I guess with how Haruhi slaves me around, that would make me a Private."

"I wonder if she's always this way, or if it's just because she's stoned," thought Madoka.

"Good meeting, everyone!" said Haruhi. "You can all leave now. Except for you, Kyon. Obviously."

Kyon sighed and unzipped his pants. "Finally."

"I'm leaving now, bye!" Madoka grabbed her pillow and ran out the door.

"Now I want to stay," thought Tomoko.

"Isn't she forgetting something? Or someone?" Konata smiled.

"Apparently not," said Homura, packing up her Volcano.

The three of them left and walked towards the train station.

"So, Homura, I couldn't help but notice that you have a girl problem," said Konata.

Homura was silent. "… Yeah, I guess do."

"And I was thinking, this trip to the Suicide Forest would be a perfect chance to fix that," said Konata.

"Really? How?" asked Homura.

"Isn't it obvious?" said Konata. "When people go to scary movies, it's because they want the other person to get scared and grab them! Their heart beats faster and faster, _ba-dum ba-dum!_ _Ba-dum ba-dum!_ It's totally romantic. It's the same thing with going to scary places. When Haruhi has us go look for the Incubator, let's split off into pairs. You go with Mokocchi, and I'll go with Madoka. I'll tell Madoka how cute you two look, and she'll get jealous! That'll force her to be upfront about you. What do you think?"

"Sounds like a good idea," said Homura. "A pretend date is probably good practice for the real ones I'll have to go on later."

"Pretend date?" thought Tomoko. "With Homura!?"

"And dress extra moe," said Konata. "So she'll really want to protect you."

"Moe?" asked Homura.

"You know, like extra cute and stuff!" said Konata.

"Oh. I know what I'll do," said Homura.

Once they got on the train and Homura got off at her stop, Tomoko freaked out.

"Konata! What have you done? I can't go on a pretend date with Homura!" said Tomoko. "I don't even know if I can talk to her when I'm sober! What if the pretend date becomes a real date? What if the real date becomes a kiss? What if the kiss leads into…"

A curl popped out on Tomoko's head.

"Relax, relax," said Konata. "This is good practice for you. Because it's just pretend, you don't have to worry about messing anything up. If worst comes to worst, I'll probably bring a blunt or two."

The train came to Konata's stop.

"Oh, and try not to think too many dirty thoughts, or else that cowlick will become permanent!" Konata smiled and wagged her finger.

The train door closed.

"Is that what happened to her?" thought Tomoko.

* * *

**Woah, it's almost been a whopping six months since the last update! Sorry about the delay everyone, life got in the way. Between being pre-med, my parents busting me for smoking several times, and my friends leaving me, I've had to put a lot of stuff on the backburner. But we've reached the halfway mark for this story now, and I plan to wrap it up soon! This is only half of Chapter Pink. I'll be writing the other half tomorrow. I figured I'd just let you all know that I am still alive. Since it's been so long, make sure to let me know if I've forgotten anything, or if you've noticed any other weirdness in the story!**


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